Archive for January, 2010

What if it’s a boy?

I’ve always longed for children.  Well, initially I longed to be pregnant – to know that I could have children, desperate to know that I wasn’t going to be ‘the one’ in our group that couldn’t have kids.

On falling pregnant (in the first month I might add), I longed to enjoy it and blossom.  I can’t remember when I started pondering over the sex, but husband and I agreed not to find out, the surprise would be lovely – although deep down we both had this funny feeling it was a boy.

Then our beautiful boy arrived, a month early, leaving me a little shell shocked and unable to enjoy that initial newborn instant love feeling that everyone seems to tell you about.  Well, that’s what I blame it on, husband says I was ‘just tired’…..

Anyway, I digress.  Our son is unbelievable.  Like most parents reading this, they amaze you every day, it staggers me how utterly gorgeous he is, how clever he is, and how he entertains from the moment he wakes with that cheeky, I will throw my teddy at you expression, until the minute he falls asleep with his bottle and muslin.  I miss him the moment he’s in bed.

We really want another baby sometime soonish.  I’m one of two, a boy and a girl.  My close friends each have two girls.  I’ll get to the point, I’m rambling.

I can’t imagine my life without a daughter.

At dinner with friends recently we were talking about the matter and all of the six others I was eating with agreed that happy and healthy is all that matters.  I’ve always openly admitted that I want two children, one blue, one pink.  I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I couldn’t care less.

It scares the absolute life out of me that if and when I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again, that it could well be another boy.

I don’t want to keep trying for a girl.  The thought of never buying pink babygros, never going to ballet or tap, brownies or guides, never going shopping together, planning a wedding, or supporting a daughter through her own pregnancy terrifies me.

Yes happy and healthy is all that matters – as one of my fellow diners said ‘if you care about the sex you don’t deserve to have children’.  It left me cold.  Am I such a bad person for wanting so much?

Is it really wrong to want a daughter this badly?  What if when I fall pregnant we choose to find out, have the scan and it’s a boy – and I leave devastated?  How could I forgive myself for resenting an unborn son – who would no doubt bring equally as much joy to us as our first born does?

Should we really be planning a second child if I feel this strongly about only being 50% in it?

On a lighter note, if we did have another boy, I would poach my friends daughters every once in a while for dance classes and then later on manicures, shopping and drinks – I’d be that cool grown up friend that they want to go and visit…..

Anon xx

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The Diagnosis

I had a relaxing peaceful day planned today. Blogging, reading, bath, Starbucks. A day with no child or husband. Today was not a day I was looking forward to. All of these relaxing activities were designed to distract me from a long awaited hospital appointment. I did not know what I would be told today if anything but I knew that it was unlikely to be welcoming news.

My news was not what I wanted to hear. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). In the words of my husband I should be grateful that it is “nothing serious”. It feels very serious to me. My BMI is too high, my periods are irregular and I am no longer ovulating. There is no cure for PCOS, simply management of the symptoms.  My dreams of having another child has never seemed further away. I am a women, my body is supposed to bring children into the world, I am not able to fulfil this role and I feel like my body is failing me.

My heart aches for the baby that may never be, my heart feels guilt that I am not content with the child I already have.

I want to tell my mum and close girlfriends but I can not bring myself to say these words, I know that if I do more tears will flow.

Jealous of a two-year-old

My Son, Daniel is just over two and a half. He’s a lovely happy little boy, but he has delayed speech. My partner says that they all walk and talk eventually. I sort of know that he’s right, but I can’t help worrying. He does speak but not that well. He says a few words but rarely puts together sentences.

My sister Jackie comes round once a week for a coffee, or I go to hers. She brings her little girl. My neice Ellie was two last weeek, but she is a great talker. She has been talking in sentences for months. She knows all the words to all the nursey rhymes. I’ve done my best to always talk to Daniel. I sing songs to him, but all he can manage is Baa Baa. Ellie can sing Baa Baa Blacksheep all the way through and has been able to for at least six months.

I hate to admit this, but I’m jealous. I can’t believe I’m saying this. It sounds ridiculous. I’m jealous of a two year old. Jackie says that girls are always more advanced at this age. I feel like such a cow, but I resent seeing them. It stresses me out and I hate myself for disliking a child because I am jealous. I think I need to get over myself, but I’m struggling. Sorry.

An Honest Husband

I’m delighted that my husband is honest, of course I am, but there are times when I wish he could be a tiny bit devious and tell a white lie. I don’t mean a white lie as in my bum doesn’t look big in this. You see we were being all sensible and buying life insurance (a friend of ours died recently leaving a wife and 3 young children). When it came to the question ‘have you had a cigarette in the last 12 months’ he answered ‘yes’. He was quite ashamed and had to admit to me that he has a crafty cig when he went on his work Xmas do. Now he’s never smoked, only the odd drunken cig in a pub, but his honesty has costs us £10 per month on the insurance. I can’t believe he ticked a box and cost us £120 per year. What washe thinking? They’ll never find out. I’d never have found out if he hadn’t filled in the form. I called him an idiot. He thought I meant he was an idiot for smoking (which he is) but I told him he’d cost us money we can ill afford. So was he right to be honest?

Why?

Why leave it til now to say you don’t want to either get married or leave it for a long time (I don’t want to be a 40 year old bride) ?

Why now? Why leave it til we’ve had a child? Why leave it til we’ve set up home together? Why leave it til now? Why couldn’t you of said this sooner. Since day 1 I’ve talked non-stop about weddings & marriage. I even started up a wedding savings account but did you say anything then? No!

Why now? Why wait til we’re in bed to say that you don’t want to get married. Because I slept well knowing that.. I didn’t.. I sobbed my little heart out in the bathroom whilst you snored away knowing that you’ve caused this upset & hurt.

I don’t want another child out of wedlock. We planned on having the next one in 5 years or so , I thought we would have been a proper married family by then. I hate not having the same surname as my son.

Why have I spent all this time making you happy? I’ve tried so hard to make this work. I’ve moved away from my family & friends. I feel like I’ve given up everything to be with you.. What have you given up for me? What have you sacrificed for the one you say you Love?

Why should I put any more effort into this? Yes I love You, I think your a amazing man and a fantastic father. But why should I spent my life with someone who doesn’t want to make that one commitment that I have been looking forward to since I was a little girl?

It makes me question your love.. It’s easier running away from a relationship then a marriage.

You just told me you loved me? Do you? You never show it and rarely say it. I feel the emotional bond has gone. I don’t get kisses , hugs , dates or even ‘ I Love You’ anymore.

Why am I feeling alone? I told you when I moved away from my family & friends I’ll feel lonely. You promised me I’d never feel lonely.

Do you know why I wanted to look for a job? Because I wanted to spoil you, I know how you wanted a new iphone and a new car. I thought if I was to get a job I could get you these things? Why am I putting you before me? Before our son? I’m giving up spending time with him so I could get you things.

When was the last time you put yourself before me? This week your going to a football match and your work do. Great.. On my own , not like I can even have a friend around. I’m isolated in the middle of nowhere.

You say we cant afford dates? Since when has a romantic stroll in the park cost anything?

You don’t even watch romantic films.. anything with love in?! Your heart made of stone is it? You know they’re my favorite type of films.. but would you sit and watch one with me? No.

Why are we arguing about this? Why am I wasting tears? I love You.. Why cant you see this? Why are you not trying.. I hacked into your account this morning so I could get a train ticket for Me & your son. So that I could go & stay at my mothers.(Who you know I don’t get on with) I’m sat twiddling my thumbs.. Do I leave my own house, my own bed , where my son is comfortable – where all his toys & stuff are. Do I really want to see your face when you get in from work? Are we just going to have a row?

Do I really want to be a single mum? Could I let my son grow up without living with his Dad? Just thinking about these two things is causing rivers to run from my eyes.

It’s the wedding thing that’s making me run? I know we could work on the romance and love thing but the fact that your so against marriage?

I don’t know if I could stay in a relationship where I don’t get the one thing I’m working so hard for, the one thing I want more then anything. I thought relationships were meant to be easy.

Why is this so hard? Why? Why?

What Have You Been Doing All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?’
‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ‘Well, today, I didn’t do it.’

10 Things

In the light of recent meme’s going around….

10 things you don’t know about me and I’m too polite to say under normal circumstances…

1.  I have an in-box in my head that I just store all the shit.

2. I am good at building brick walls – emotional ones that is.

3. At this minute, right now, I have never been so anxious.

4. I am prone to drinking too much.

5. I like my own company, I’d quite like to crawl into a cave and stay there for a few days, with alcohol obviously.

6. I used to wonder if anyone would me miss and even if I would miss anyone.

7. I am a pessimist of the highest order, the worst will always happen.

8. I am slowly sinking into my own pit of despair, but no-one knows.

9.  I look in the mirror and see my mother’s reflection staring back – it makes me want to smash the mirror.

10.  The in-box in my head is now overflowing and I have just realised I don’t have a coping strategy.

11.  I’ve been here before, a few times. I know it will pass.


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