Missing: One Mojo

Have you seen my mojo?

I know I had it at one time or other but now it is long gone and I truly have no idea how to find it. I thought perhaps that it could be buried under the layers of jumpers and coats and scarves but it doesn’t seem to be there. Or perhaps it would be found beneath the pyjamas and duvets required at this time of year but that is not the case. I’ve spent hours lying awake at night, searching through my brain to see if it has got lost in one corner or another, but I couldn’t find it.

Has it gone forever?

Now, I know that there are many factors that affect these types of things. I have been pregnant and had a baby in the past year. I am a larger size now than when I started and my body feels different to me. There is no sign of the weight disappearing. In my head I am one thing, in the mirror another. I am tired every evening and every morning there is a baby looking for attention. We do have our own room back, which I thought would help but nothing has changed.

I love my husband so much. He works hard to look after me and our baby, and he has made all my dreams come true. I want to be able to find my mojo for him. He has the patience of a saint and does not bother me or hassle me and understands that I don’t want to. I know that he wants to.

I feel like a switch has been turned off inside of me. I don’t think about sex, I don’t want sex. I love a cuddle and cannot sleep unless I am curled up around him but that is as far as it goes.

Thinking back, this isn’t really linked to the baby. Things were this way, my mojo was M.I.A. before the baby, before we got married. When we were first together everything in this area was fantastic. Then I had to have a number of operations which made things difficult and other health problems got in the way. Things perked up a little after we were married, I relaxed and we started trying to make a baby. Unfortunately for my husband it worked first time so he only got one month of trying before everything stopped again. I just didn’t want to anymore.

I worry that the only reason that I got over my problem was because the urge to have a baby was enough to make me sort it out and do it. Now, I have my baby and although I plan on having a second I am wanting to wait a while. But that is not fair on my husband. Special occasions worry me, it is Valentines Day, should we do it? A birthday, an anniversary, all of these have me worrying for days.

He is convinced that it will come back. I love his optimism but at the same time I want him to acknowledge that there is a problem, that perhaps this will never get fixed. Will he stay forever if I never sort this out?

I hate talking about it, I am a prude I guess. I get embarrassed talking to my husband which is stupid. I hate it when friends talk about sex, I have never done that. What am I so afraid of? Why am I like this now? What can I do to make it better?

I would do anything for him, why can’t I just do this?


2 Responses to “Missing: One Mojo”

  1. 1 snafflesmummy February 15, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Ah I hope you mind your mojo again soon.

    This may be a strange/too personal question but are you on the pill? I was on the pill virtually from school age. I felt exactly as you describe, we too conceived first month of trying and ans soon as i had the baby i was straight back to feeling likt it again. i have since come off the pill and noticed a huge difference.

  2. 2 Anonymous February 16, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    No, I came off the pill for that reason two years ago as it affects my mood, makes me depressed etc.

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