Domestic Violence

I have been wanting to write this post for a very long time but it’s hard to write for many reasons. One reason is that my family read my blog and I know that this would upset some of them so I haven’t put it down in words, but I think it will be good for me to share.

When I was 6 my mum left my dad for another man, we came home from school one day and all our things where packed and we were buddled into a car and taken to a new life. Me and my sister didn’t know what was happening but we pretended it was a great adventure and it would all be OK.

My step-dad was really nice to start with but he wasn’t used to children and had a nasty temper especially when he had a drink in him. He would hit us and our mum, he scared the life out of us but we never told anyone not even our dad.

My mum has two more children with him, I can’t remember him hitting them only when they were ‘naughty’ but he often hit me and my mum, he picked on us the most.

He was worse when he was drunk, I saw him try to strangle my mum on many occasions and we learnt as we got older to hide the knives (he was a butcher) when the arguments started.

He didn’t just abuse us physically he was really good at emotional abuse, he would tell me I was fat and threaten to send us to the ‘naughty girls’ school if we misbehaved, we were terrified. I remember once dropping and breaking a plate and I started sobbing and having hysterics because I thought he would hit me.

My mum stayed with him for 8 years and they were horrendous, I know we should have told someone but we were scared he would kill my mum. There is a part of me that hates my mum for putting us in that situation, on their first date he hit her and yet she still left my Dad for him and put us in the violent home environment.

We don’t talk about it, my younger siblings can’t really remember their dad being like that and my sister only remembers a little bit of it, but I remember it all and find it really hard to be around him.

I find it hard to trust men; actually I find it hard to trust anyone, my childhood went from bad to worse and sometimes I really struggle with it. I have nightmares and often suffer with insomnia, l also have bouts of depression. I don’t talk about it and it eats away inside, I feel bitter and twisted.

The one bright spot in my life is my daughter who makes it all worthwhile and I know I will try my hardest to make sure her life is a happy one.


20 Responses to “Domestic Violence”

  1. 1 marketingtomilk July 14, 2010 at 7:49 am

    All i can say is XXX, and thank you for sharing. i hope it has helped just a bit to have written it down. I can only imagine what you have been through, let alone not have family or sibilings able to talk to you about it. And to still have to see that person. My thoughts are with you. Hug your daughter tight.

  2. 2 jfb57 July 14, 2010 at 7:59 am

    I’m so glad you found this space to write. I’m also glad that you have found some light through your daughter. You have my utmost respect for getting through it & coming out the other side! *hugs*

  3. 3 Paula July 14, 2010 at 8:00 am

    What a brave thing you’ve done to tell your story. It sounds like you had a horrendous experience – the one place that was meant to be safe, and you should have expected to be cared for wasn’t that at all.

    Your issues with trust and with blaming your mother sound like perfectly natural responses. You say that it’s eating you away inside – and you don’t talk about it, but you obviously need to. This happened to you, you didn’t make it happen and you were powerless to stop it, but you can work towards releasing it now. Is there anyone else you can open up to? A friend or your GP perhaps? Your commitment to your daughter should extend to yourself too – it’s time to make sure that the rest of your life is a happy one too, you deserve that.

    Lots of love and luck xxx

  4. 4 Annknitsphere July 14, 2010 at 8:08 am

    You’ve taken an amazingly brave step in writing your experience down and sharing it with others. I hope that you found it helped to release some of the feelings that you’ve been suppressing for all those years.

    I know it is hard to sit and talk to a stranger about the most painful and personal details of your life, but there are many fantastic support services around for survivors of domestic violence who may be able to signpost you to a skilled and sensitive counsellor.

    I hope you find the support and help that you need and wish you and your daughter a happy and peaceful life x

  5. 5 Single Dad's Diary July 14, 2010 at 8:11 am

    It’s a terrible story, but one that’s familiar to far too many people. I hope that by sharing it, it will help you on your path to putting it behind you, and help others who may be going through the same.

  6. 6 jay (@cosmicgirlie) July 14, 2010 at 8:12 am

    I can’t even begin to fnd words in response to this post. I cannot comprehend what you have been through; just know that you have the support of many, many people who will stand by your side, amazed with what you’ve had to survive through.
    If you ever want someone to talk to about your depression, even in confidence, I am more than happy to talk to you.

  7. 7 Michelloui July 14, 2010 at 8:14 am

    I was a very precocious child and probably quite bratty sometimes and once I was put in the car and driven to the other side of town and my parents and I stopped outside a grim looking building. I was told I would have to go to school there, and live there and that a mean old woman would be in charge of me–unless I started to behave better. I was sick with anxiety. I was sitting int he backseat sobbing and upset. And for a long time after I was really worried and anxious about this. I think my parents felt they had taken their threats too far because the threat was never used again even though I was naughty again.

    And that was NOTHING compared to what you went through. I can understand your terror, as well as your anger at your mother. You are so brave and strong. I hope you’re able to be strong enough to conquer your issues with mistrust–don’t let that terrible man continue to have this control over you.

    Sending supportive vibes across to you, wherever you may be xox

  8. 8 Prim July 14, 2010 at 8:15 am

    Speechless and very saddened by your suffering. Some very good advice above from Paula and others so all I have to offer in addition is a virtual hug. Stay strong. x

  9. 9 Susie July 14, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Lots of hugs.

    I am a bit confused because you say it’s hard to be around him? He is still in your life?????

    Have you spoken to your mum at all about this?

    There is a great book that might help you, it’s called Heal Your Life by Louise Hayes.

    You do need to get yourself help because anything repressed will at some point come out and you want the best for your child.

    Lots of hugs.

  10. 10 Nat July 14, 2010 at 8:29 am

    It’s hard to write but well done. I have hidden knives to, I’ve even slept with one under my pillow for self defense. Awful you have my sympathy

  11. 11 Bumbling July 14, 2010 at 8:43 am

    I’m a greet believer in sharing being the first step. But first steps are hard to take. This is a brave and touching post, and I hope that writing it has helped in some way.

    Please do find some way of talking about it, as other posters have suggested. I really do believe that it will help, both you and your daughter. I know how hard it is to do this though (a case of do as I say not as I do!)

    And (((hugs))). I cannot comprehend what you have been through x

  12. 12 Chic Mama July 14, 2010 at 8:58 am

    I’m so sorry you had to live a childhood like that…absolutely disgusting.
    I never had physical violence to deal with against me but there are still sounds that make me go cold if I hear them….unless you have been there it is so hard to comprehend. I can totally understand your resentment towards your mum for putting you in that situation. I really hope you can get some help to try and deal with it all. I think the burden of that on your shoulders must be so heavy to bear. I wonder if there are online support groups…people that have been in similar situations? Sometimes that is a first step to getting some support.

  13. 13 Paula July 14, 2010 at 9:31 am

    nothing i can say could possibly be fitting, but i hope that life gets easier. *hugs
    P. x

  14. 14 The Moiderer July 14, 2010 at 9:37 am

    You know at the end of the day, all you can do is make sure your future and your daughters future does not mirror your past. You have that control now and good for you for writing this.

  15. 16 olivia July 14, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    So brave and I’m so glad u found the courage to write this.
    Give your daughter the childhood u never had xxx

  16. 17 Susan Mann July 14, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Well done and thank you for sharing. I think that you need to talk to your doctor it would be in confidence and they can refer you to a specialised counsellor. I have had a lot of problems in my adult life which has spanned from my childhood. I am currently seeing a cousellor and I can say it helps to talk to someone who is not involved. Good luck and hugs x

  17. 18 Tatjana July 14, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    How brave of you to write this! I hope it feels cathartic? Putting this kind of hurt into words, giving it space can be such a useful tool in healing! I wish you all the best for the future!!

  18. 19 londongurl1982 September 3, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    As someone who watched her Dad beat her Mum for several years, I really appreciate you writing and sharing this.

  1. 1 Why blognonymous? « BumblingAlong Trackback on July 17, 2010 at 12:17 am

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