Archive for March, 2011

Do You Ever…?

do you ever have one of those days?

one of those days when you just feel like giving up?

I do.

almost every day.

I sit and think about my life. how fucked up it is and wonder. wonder what it would be life if i wasn’t here anymore.

would my kids be better off without me?

life would be better off without me, as all i seem to do is suck it dry.

i want to die. i want someone to tell me its ok to die. but is not.

the stupid person in the back of my mind, my conscience. its always giving me good reason to be around. I know its right, but i don’t agree with it all the time.

it wins… as I’m still here.

for about 10 years, I haven’t actually tried to do anything to end my life, but it hasn’t stopped me thinking about it.

tonight, as i write this, my bedroom window is open. i can easily jump out of it. i want to jump, i think about jumping… but i wont.

there’s no one about to look after the kids.

This post was submitted as part of Blognonymous.

Links:

The Samaritans

I don’t understand

 

10 years I’ve been with my OH this year. I’m quite proud of it, we’ve been together since teenagers. We were inseparable and still are to a point but things that he does and the way that he is has driven a wedge between us. I know I’m not perfect but I do believe what he does is far worse than just being a moaner.
 
He has a real issue with me going out, he doesn’t seem to see why he should look after the children whilst ‘I go and enjoy myself’ so he makes any opportunity I get so incredibly hard to arrange I end up not going. It makes me feel like crap. I end up having to make up some crap excuse to why I can’t go somewhere and it upsets me because I hate letting people down.
 
I think my biggest problem with his behaviour is how he can be violent towards me. I find this hard to write to be honest, he doesn’t fit the typical stereotype of a violent OH, He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t go out with his mates all the time, he’s not an aggressive person and he is quite sensitive. He’s not a bully, he doesn’t make me scared 24/7, he doesn’t do it that often but when that part of him comes out, I hate it.
 
The most recent event I had locked out the house because he had been vile to me, calling me fat and lazy because I was tired after work and I wanted him to get out of bed. He took the kids to school and I locked the door after him.
 
He came back and realised the door was locked and started banging on the door and the window. I could tell he was getting angry but I didn’t want to let him in angry, I wanted him to take a minute to think about how he’d treated me. My plan was back firing fast, I could see the rage in his eyes, I warned him that I wouldn’t let him in until he calmed down. He said he had, he looked calm too, I unlocked the door and let him in.
 
He got in quickly locked the door again and turned round and instantly started yelling, he pushed me onto the sofa by my head and then dragged me to the floor. He started screaming in my face asking why I’d done it, I said it was to show him that I didn’t want here anymore. He went to kick me as I lay on the floor but he thought better, I scrambled up and ran for the phone, he caught me and grabbed my arms, I wrestled with him for a bit but he got the phone and took the batteries out of it and threw it. I went for my mobile but he was stronger and faster…I fought with him for a bit…I’ve got the bruises to show with his fingerprints perfectly mirrored in my forearms.
 
He stopped yelling eventually and I was upset by this time….why…why do this? How can you want me to love you when you do this…sorry isn’t enough…you being the father of my children isn’t enough.
 
But I do love him…what do I do? The children love him and he is perfect with them.
 
I’ve gone to my parents for help to ask to move back for a bit with the children..they said no and I should just work it out with him, I’ve not told them about him hurting me but I’ve told them about how sad he can make me feel and still they were uninterested.
 
I am alone. I’m trapped and no one knows how I feel. I feel stupid, I feel like everyone will read this and just say ‘leave him’ it’s NOT that simple.
 
And I know no one would believe me, am I making a big deal out of nothing?
 
He does apologise and says he’ll never do it again perhaps I should just stop moaning and get on with it.

I’m a mess.
 

This post has been published as part of Blognonymous. Blognonymous is a group of blogs allowing anonymous posting in a supportive environment.  We encourage commenting that will help the original poster. Thank you for reading.

Links:

Women’s Aid

 Samaritans

Citizens Advice Bureau


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