Do You Ever…?

do you ever have one of those days?

one of those days when you just feel like giving up?

I do.

almost every day.

I sit and think about my life. how fucked up it is and wonder. wonder what it would be life if i wasn’t here anymore.

would my kids be better off without me?

life would be better off without me, as all i seem to do is suck it dry.

i want to die. i want someone to tell me its ok to die. but is not.

the stupid person in the back of my mind, my conscience. its always giving me good reason to be around. I know its right, but i don’t agree with it all the time.

it wins… as I’m still here.

for about 10 years, I haven’t actually tried to do anything to end my life, but it hasn’t stopped me thinking about it.

tonight, as i write this, my bedroom window is open. i can easily jump out of it. i want to jump, i think about jumping… but i wont.

there’s no one about to look after the kids.

This post was submitted as part of Blognonymous.


The Samaritans


12 Responses to “Do You Ever…?”

  1. 1 Susan Mann March 29, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Your kids would never be better off without you. No matter how down you are or how much you feel you are a bad parent your kids love you and will always love you. Never take your life, your family will never forgive you and your kids need you. Speak to your doctor, speak to counselling, call someone, you need someone to talk to. Call me even. Just don’t take your life. Things can be turned around, you just need to be pointed in the right direction. Hang in there and ask for the help you need. Please. x

  2. 2 Victoria March 29, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Keep believing that things will get better x

  3. 3 PippaD @ A Mothers Ramblings March 29, 2011 at 11:55 am

    I just want to give you a hug and let you know that even when you think things are at the crappest that there are those of us who want to support you.

    It’s just a small thing that we can do, be it give you an ear or a word of encouragement or a shoulder but if all of us do it together we will pretty much have you covered.

    I hope that you can find someone to talk to, like Susan said a Dr, a counsellor or someone who you trust as things will get better even if you feel they won’t as they have been bad for so long.

  4. 4 Emma March 29, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    As Susan so rightly says, get some help lovely, you don’t need to be feeling like this. You are important, and not only do your children need you, I bet you lots of others like having you around too! I hope things seem brighter for you soon. Emma x

  5. 5 Cara March 29, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Hi there,

    I have been there and I know how painful it can be. In fact, once it has passed it is hard to imagine how you managed to get through every day but you have. You HAVE done it for a long time and that shows how strong you are.

    I know you don’t think this because the day in day out struggle against this feeling can grind you down. It seems to me as an outsider looking in that your “stupid person” is in fact, a very loving part of yourself that is looking out for you and your kids. you have listened to it so far, keep listening.

    Depression, anxiety, despair, whatever it is you are feeling, it has a terrible phisical effect on your mind. It increases the anxiety hormone cortisol and decreases the feel good hormone seritonin. This can happen for physical and emotional reasons and it literally means that it is hard to think straight. Speaking from experience, I would say the first step is to go to the doctor and get some Physical respite from the relentless thoughts that are causeing you so much pain. Use it to help you talk to someone, a professional to help.

    I admire your courage in writing what you have done, I admire your strength in getting this far, I admire your ability to keep yourself safe even if you dismiss it. Take the next step, I got through it, you will get trhough it.

  6. 6 The Moiderer March 29, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    I used to. I think you need to talk to a counsellor. I still have the voice eating away at me. But I understand better what makes up that voice. I used to keep sane by knowing I always had the option of killing myself. It was a comfort. But again, counselling helped me hear that voice properly for the first time and understand where it came from.
    Get help. Speak to someone. It’s not easy but it’s way better than where you are right now.
    Yes your kids need you, but more importantly you need to learn to tell it to shut up and leave you alone. It is a nicer place when you do, believe me.

    • 7 The Moiderer March 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm

      oh and by the way – it’s not the voice that’s telling you not to do it that is your problem – it’s the other one. The one that’s telling you to do it. The voice of reason? the one that’s saying think about your kids? That’s the real you 😉

  7. 8 june seghni March 29, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    my dear, I really feel for you….and when you think that your kids would be better off without I hope you realise it isn’t true. I read a searingly honest blog by a lady who’s husband had killed himself, about the effect it had on her and her family…it’s very tough to read,but even if you just read the comments on one post called ‘Mental Health ‘you will see you aren’t alone..

    All the best to you…

  8. 9 Linda March 29, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Sending you lots of love, I have also been there. I’m not there now but I have come close again since.
    Until I said this out loud a few years back and cried down a phone to someone I love, I never knew that members of my family felt the same and that we all have a shared trait, that trait is called depression. It’s an illness and it can be helped in lots of ways so that feeling of wanting to jump or let your car crash will subside.

    I first felt like that when I was 19 and I ignored it until I was in my 30s. I wish you didn’t have to spend a day longer feeling like this, and the truth is you don’t.

    I have seen too many days pass in the same mood, there is no shame in feeling like this or trying to get better.

    Please go and see your doctor, they ask you to do a test, be honest with your answers, based on your answers, they help you as best they can. Your feelings are an illness talking just as if you had an illness affecting another part of your body, that would show up in a different sort of pain. The pain and desperation you are feeling is a very familiar feeling to a lot of people, I don’t know how much of a comfort to you this will be, but please go and try and help yourself to get better, for your children, yes but also for you.

    You have written this down, said it publicly, perhaps that in itself is a release, I hope you can take comfort from the wise words of other commenters. I sometimes say that when certain things have happened ‘that wasn’t me, that was an illness talking.

    And do you know what your post speaks the same language.

    Wishing you lots of love and strength for the days ahead. Please take the next step and please try and believe life is worth living.

  9. 10 Kate March 29, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    I can’t offer any advice – well, not that is better than the fantastic answers you’ve already been given. I just wanted to send you a hug because it sounds like you need one.

  10. 11 anon for this - sorry. March 29, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    oh hon – okay – I know this feeling all tooo well. I live with it almost every day. I hope this helps at least a little, to know you aren’t alone.
    BUT I have been on the other side – and as crap as you may think your kids lives are with you in them, as long as you aren’t abusing them, trust me it will not be better for them without you in it.
    Because they will be left wondering why they weren’t reason enough for you to stay alive.
    I know because my Mum tried to die. Twice. And it left me feeling like that even though she didn’t succeed.
    Just like everyone else I’m going to say GET HELP. I don’t know where you are so I can’t recommend local services but I know they are there, I know that even just your doctor will know where to start. I know there are numbers you can call.
    So do all of this, and keep going. Because, you know what? You are right. There is no one who can fill your shoes in your childs life.
    Stay for them if not for you. At least for now.
    I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you that it is okay to die, I know that because I wish I could tell myself that. But it isn’t hon. Sorry.
    I hope things get better and very brave of you taking a first step like this.

  11. 12 Iota Manhattan March 29, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    I read this is a cry for help. Don’t leave it there. Please go and see a doctor or counsellor, or tell a friend, or SOMETHING. You’ve already done the hardest part by posting this. Don’t just go on coping and getting exhausted by coping. I’m talking as someone who has written similar things in private, and recently. The other commenters are right. This CAN be changed. Emotions are physical, if you think about it. They start in your body, and end in your body. They’re not some outside force, or anything magic. You can receive help with them. I have.

    You are very brave to have written what you did. Listen to the wisdom in your own voice.

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