Archive for the 'Confession' Category

Do You Ever…?

do you ever have one of those days?

one of those days when you just feel like giving up?

I do.

almost every day.

I sit and think about my life. how fucked up it is and wonder. wonder what it would be life if i wasn’t here anymore.

would my kids be better off without me?

life would be better off without me, as all i seem to do is suck it dry.

i want to die. i want someone to tell me its ok to die. but is not.

the stupid person in the back of my mind, my conscience. its always giving me good reason to be around. I know its right, but i don’t agree with it all the time.

it wins… as I’m still here.

for about 10 years, I haven’t actually tried to do anything to end my life, but it hasn’t stopped me thinking about it.

tonight, as i write this, my bedroom window is open. i can easily jump out of it. i want to jump, i think about jumping… but i wont.

there’s no one about to look after the kids.

This post was submitted as part of Blognonymous.

Links:

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Where is my head at?

My husband has a lower libido than me which has always been an issue. If I don’t initiate sex we can go a long time without any physical contact. He’s not loving or cuddly either which can be hurtful. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he says he is tired/unwell etc and snaps at me. I know he looks at porn daily but he hides this from me.   
 
After well over a decade together I’d resigned myself to infrequent sex but recently he has been wanting even less to the point we were going months between physical contact and I am feeling more rejected than ever.  On a night away with work I bumped into an ex colleague and after an evening of flirty banter and a lot of wine took him back to my hotel and shagged him senseless.
 
I do not know why I cheated on my husband. The worse thing is I don’t feel guilty, just mad at my husband for not wanting to do what this other man did. I fancy my husband and want him but he doesn’t seem to have those feelings for me. 
 
The other man does come into my work every few months so I will see him on a professional basis occasionally. He knows that I am married, even questioned if I was sure I wanted what we were about to do and I said yes. I cannot blame alcohol as although blootered I definitely wanted this man at that moment in time. I haven’t told anyone else, the other man told my colleagues and his friends he walked me back to the hotel lobby and went to his hotel.
 
I don’t want to separate, I don’t want to be unfaithful again, I just want a decent sex life with my husband.

Missing: One Mojo

Have you seen my mojo?

I know I had it at one time or other but now it is long gone and I truly have no idea how to find it. I thought perhaps that it could be buried under the layers of jumpers and coats and scarves but it doesn’t seem to be there. Or perhaps it would be found beneath the pyjamas and duvets required at this time of year but that is not the case. I’ve spent hours lying awake at night, searching through my brain to see if it has got lost in one corner or another, but I couldn’t find it.

Has it gone forever?

Now, I know that there are many factors that affect these types of things. I have been pregnant and had a baby in the past year. I am a larger size now than when I started and my body feels different to me. There is no sign of the weight disappearing. In my head I am one thing, in the mirror another. I am tired every evening and every morning there is a baby looking for attention. We do have our own room back, which I thought would help but nothing has changed.

I love my husband so much. He works hard to look after me and our baby, and he has made all my dreams come true. I want to be able to find my mojo for him. He has the patience of a saint and does not bother me or hassle me and understands that I don’t want to. I know that he wants to.

I feel like a switch has been turned off inside of me. I don’t think about sex, I don’t want sex. I love a cuddle and cannot sleep unless I am curled up around him but that is as far as it goes.

Thinking back, this isn’t really linked to the baby. Things were this way, my mojo was M.I.A. before the baby, before we got married. When we were first together everything in this area was fantastic. Then I had to have a number of operations which made things difficult and other health problems got in the way. Things perked up a little after we were married, I relaxed and we started trying to make a baby. Unfortunately for my husband it worked first time so he only got one month of trying before everything stopped again. I just didn’t want to anymore.

I worry that the only reason that I got over my problem was because the urge to have a baby was enough to make me sort it out and do it. Now, I have my baby and although I plan on having a second I am wanting to wait a while. But that is not fair on my husband. Special occasions worry me, it is Valentines Day, should we do it? A birthday, an anniversary, all of these have me worrying for days.

He is convinced that it will come back. I love his optimism but at the same time I want him to acknowledge that there is a problem, that perhaps this will never get fixed. Will he stay forever if I never sort this out?

I hate talking about it, I am a prude I guess. I get embarrassed talking to my husband which is stupid. I hate it when friends talk about sex, I have never done that. What am I so afraid of? Why am I like this now? What can I do to make it better?

I would do anything for him, why can’t I just do this?

What if it’s a boy?

I’ve always longed for children.  Well, initially I longed to be pregnant – to know that I could have children, desperate to know that I wasn’t going to be ‘the one’ in our group that couldn’t have kids.

On falling pregnant (in the first month I might add), I longed to enjoy it and blossom.  I can’t remember when I started pondering over the sex, but husband and I agreed not to find out, the surprise would be lovely – although deep down we both had this funny feeling it was a boy.

Then our beautiful boy arrived, a month early, leaving me a little shell shocked and unable to enjoy that initial newborn instant love feeling that everyone seems to tell you about.  Well, that’s what I blame it on, husband says I was ‘just tired’…..

Anyway, I digress.  Our son is unbelievable.  Like most parents reading this, they amaze you every day, it staggers me how utterly gorgeous he is, how clever he is, and how he entertains from the moment he wakes with that cheeky, I will throw my teddy at you expression, until the minute he falls asleep with his bottle and muslin.  I miss him the moment he’s in bed.

We really want another baby sometime soonish.  I’m one of two, a boy and a girl.  My close friends each have two girls.  I’ll get to the point, I’m rambling.

I can’t imagine my life without a daughter.

At dinner with friends recently we were talking about the matter and all of the six others I was eating with agreed that happy and healthy is all that matters.  I’ve always openly admitted that I want two children, one blue, one pink.  I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I couldn’t care less.

It scares the absolute life out of me that if and when I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again, that it could well be another boy.

I don’t want to keep trying for a girl.  The thought of never buying pink babygros, never going to ballet or tap, brownies or guides, never going shopping together, planning a wedding, or supporting a daughter through her own pregnancy terrifies me.

Yes happy and healthy is all that matters – as one of my fellow diners said ‘if you care about the sex you don’t deserve to have children’.  It left me cold.  Am I such a bad person for wanting so much?

Is it really wrong to want a daughter this badly?  What if when I fall pregnant we choose to find out, have the scan and it’s a boy – and I leave devastated?  How could I forgive myself for resenting an unborn son – who would no doubt bring equally as much joy to us as our first born does?

Should we really be planning a second child if I feel this strongly about only being 50% in it?

On a lighter note, if we did have another boy, I would poach my friends daughters every once in a while for dance classes and then later on manicures, shopping and drinks – I’d be that cool grown up friend that they want to go and visit…..

Anon xx

Jealous of a two-year-old

My Son, Daniel is just over two and a half. He’s a lovely happy little boy, but he has delayed speech. My partner says that they all walk and talk eventually. I sort of know that he’s right, but I can’t help worrying. He does speak but not that well. He says a few words but rarely puts together sentences.

My sister Jackie comes round once a week for a coffee, or I go to hers. She brings her little girl. My neice Ellie was two last weeek, but she is a great talker. She has been talking in sentences for months. She knows all the words to all the nursey rhymes. I’ve done my best to always talk to Daniel. I sing songs to him, but all he can manage is Baa Baa. Ellie can sing Baa Baa Blacksheep all the way through and has been able to for at least six months.

I hate to admit this, but I’m jealous. I can’t believe I’m saying this. It sounds ridiculous. I’m jealous of a two year old. Jackie says that girls are always more advanced at this age. I feel like such a cow, but I resent seeing them. It stresses me out and I hate myself for disliking a child because I am jealous. I think I need to get over myself, but I’m struggling. Sorry.

10 Things

In the light of recent meme’s going around….

10 things you don’t know about me and I’m too polite to say under normal circumstances…

1.  I have an in-box in my head that I just store all the shit.

2. I am good at building brick walls – emotional ones that is.

3. At this minute, right now, I have never been so anxious.

4. I am prone to drinking too much.

5. I like my own company, I’d quite like to crawl into a cave and stay there for a few days, with alcohol obviously.

6. I used to wonder if anyone would me miss and even if I would miss anyone.

7. I am a pessimist of the highest order, the worst will always happen.

8. I am slowly sinking into my own pit of despair, but no-one knows.

9.  I look in the mirror and see my mother’s reflection staring back – it makes me want to smash the mirror.

10.  The in-box in my head is now overflowing and I have just realised I don’t have a coping strategy.

11.  I’ve been here before, a few times. I know it will pass.

Handwritten Confession #5


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