Archive for the 'Husband/Partner' Category

I don’t understand

 

10 years I’ve been with my OH this year. I’m quite proud of it, we’ve been together since teenagers. We were inseparable and still are to a point but things that he does and the way that he is has driven a wedge between us. I know I’m not perfect but I do believe what he does is far worse than just being a moaner.
 
He has a real issue with me going out, he doesn’t seem to see why he should look after the children whilst ‘I go and enjoy myself’ so he makes any opportunity I get so incredibly hard to arrange I end up not going. It makes me feel like crap. I end up having to make up some crap excuse to why I can’t go somewhere and it upsets me because I hate letting people down.
 
I think my biggest problem with his behaviour is how he can be violent towards me. I find this hard to write to be honest, he doesn’t fit the typical stereotype of a violent OH, He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t go out with his mates all the time, he’s not an aggressive person and he is quite sensitive. He’s not a bully, he doesn’t make me scared 24/7, he doesn’t do it that often but when that part of him comes out, I hate it.
 
The most recent event I had locked out the house because he had been vile to me, calling me fat and lazy because I was tired after work and I wanted him to get out of bed. He took the kids to school and I locked the door after him.
 
He came back and realised the door was locked and started banging on the door and the window. I could tell he was getting angry but I didn’t want to let him in angry, I wanted him to take a minute to think about how he’d treated me. My plan was back firing fast, I could see the rage in his eyes, I warned him that I wouldn’t let him in until he calmed down. He said he had, he looked calm too, I unlocked the door and let him in.
 
He got in quickly locked the door again and turned round and instantly started yelling, he pushed me onto the sofa by my head and then dragged me to the floor. He started screaming in my face asking why I’d done it, I said it was to show him that I didn’t want here anymore. He went to kick me as I lay on the floor but he thought better, I scrambled up and ran for the phone, he caught me and grabbed my arms, I wrestled with him for a bit but he got the phone and took the batteries out of it and threw it. I went for my mobile but he was stronger and faster…I fought with him for a bit…I’ve got the bruises to show with his fingerprints perfectly mirrored in my forearms.
 
He stopped yelling eventually and I was upset by this time….why…why do this? How can you want me to love you when you do this…sorry isn’t enough…you being the father of my children isn’t enough.
 
But I do love him…what do I do? The children love him and he is perfect with them.
 
I’ve gone to my parents for help to ask to move back for a bit with the children..they said no and I should just work it out with him, I’ve not told them about him hurting me but I’ve told them about how sad he can make me feel and still they were uninterested.
 
I am alone. I’m trapped and no one knows how I feel. I feel stupid, I feel like everyone will read this and just say ‘leave him’ it’s NOT that simple.
 
And I know no one would believe me, am I making a big deal out of nothing?
 
He does apologise and says he’ll never do it again perhaps I should just stop moaning and get on with it.

I’m a mess.
 

This post has been published as part of Blognonymous. Blognonymous is a group of blogs allowing anonymous posting in a supportive environment.  We encourage commenting that will help the original poster. Thank you for reading.

Links:

Women’s Aid

 Samaritans

Citizens Advice Bureau

Where is my head at?

My husband has a lower libido than me which has always been an issue. If I don’t initiate sex we can go a long time without any physical contact. He’s not loving or cuddly either which can be hurtful. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he says he is tired/unwell etc and snaps at me. I know he looks at porn daily but he hides this from me.   
 
After well over a decade together I’d resigned myself to infrequent sex but recently he has been wanting even less to the point we were going months between physical contact and I am feeling more rejected than ever.  On a night away with work I bumped into an ex colleague and after an evening of flirty banter and a lot of wine took him back to my hotel and shagged him senseless.
 
I do not know why I cheated on my husband. The worse thing is I don’t feel guilty, just mad at my husband for not wanting to do what this other man did. I fancy my husband and want him but he doesn’t seem to have those feelings for me. 
 
The other man does come into my work every few months so I will see him on a professional basis occasionally. He knows that I am married, even questioned if I was sure I wanted what we were about to do and I said yes. I cannot blame alcohol as although blootered I definitely wanted this man at that moment in time. I haven’t told anyone else, the other man told my colleagues and his friends he walked me back to the hotel lobby and went to his hotel.
 
I don’t want to separate, I don’t want to be unfaithful again, I just want a decent sex life with my husband.

The Outlaws

I made a terrible mistake a couple of weeks ago, not one that will be forgiven easily, but one that is so easy to do.  I forgot that although I do not use our names my blog is not anonymous.  They is always a way so someone to find out and also I post pictures of us on the blog, so really should have known better.

I blogged about an incident with my mother in law and it has come back to bite me and mine on the backside.  So let this be a lesson to you all.

The hardest thing about all of this is it is not me that has or is suffering, but my husband.  Yes he is angry at me for “washing our dirty laundry in public”, but more than that he is angry, upset and in fact devastated by the betrayal of his brother.

You see his brother told his parents about the post and didn’t even have the courtesy to warn him.  Oh yes we got a phone call about 3 minutes before the one from his mother, but that was telling him to rein in his wife!

I feel terrible, I have never had the best of relationship with his mother or brother, but I have always put up and shut up, so as not to cause any discomfort or disquiet.  My husband knows this and in some ways I think is thankful for it, but this is something else.

We were threatened with libel, sue their own son, what does that say to the wider world?

I understand the pain I have caused, if I knew that MIL was reading I would never have written, well I would, but I never would have published.  Writing is my way of processing things, of event and emotions of getting it all out of my system.

So let this be a word of warning to you all, unless you are very, very careful, you are not just words on a laptop or PC screen, these words have power, more power than you could imagine.  So harness them, use them for all the right reasons and I hope with all my heart that you do not get caught out like I did.

Missing: One Mojo

Have you seen my mojo?

I know I had it at one time or other but now it is long gone and I truly have no idea how to find it. I thought perhaps that it could be buried under the layers of jumpers and coats and scarves but it doesn’t seem to be there. Or perhaps it would be found beneath the pyjamas and duvets required at this time of year but that is not the case. I’ve spent hours lying awake at night, searching through my brain to see if it has got lost in one corner or another, but I couldn’t find it.

Has it gone forever?

Now, I know that there are many factors that affect these types of things. I have been pregnant and had a baby in the past year. I am a larger size now than when I started and my body feels different to me. There is no sign of the weight disappearing. In my head I am one thing, in the mirror another. I am tired every evening and every morning there is a baby looking for attention. We do have our own room back, which I thought would help but nothing has changed.

I love my husband so much. He works hard to look after me and our baby, and he has made all my dreams come true. I want to be able to find my mojo for him. He has the patience of a saint and does not bother me or hassle me and understands that I don’t want to. I know that he wants to.

I feel like a switch has been turned off inside of me. I don’t think about sex, I don’t want sex. I love a cuddle and cannot sleep unless I am curled up around him but that is as far as it goes.

Thinking back, this isn’t really linked to the baby. Things were this way, my mojo was M.I.A. before the baby, before we got married. When we were first together everything in this area was fantastic. Then I had to have a number of operations which made things difficult and other health problems got in the way. Things perked up a little after we were married, I relaxed and we started trying to make a baby. Unfortunately for my husband it worked first time so he only got one month of trying before everything stopped again. I just didn’t want to anymore.

I worry that the only reason that I got over my problem was because the urge to have a baby was enough to make me sort it out and do it. Now, I have my baby and although I plan on having a second I am wanting to wait a while. But that is not fair on my husband. Special occasions worry me, it is Valentines Day, should we do it? A birthday, an anniversary, all of these have me worrying for days.

He is convinced that it will come back. I love his optimism but at the same time I want him to acknowledge that there is a problem, that perhaps this will never get fixed. Will he stay forever if I never sort this out?

I hate talking about it, I am a prude I guess. I get embarrassed talking to my husband which is stupid. I hate it when friends talk about sex, I have never done that. What am I so afraid of? Why am I like this now? What can I do to make it better?

I would do anything for him, why can’t I just do this?

An Honest Husband

I’m delighted that my husband is honest, of course I am, but there are times when I wish he could be a tiny bit devious and tell a white lie. I don’t mean a white lie as in my bum doesn’t look big in this. You see we were being all sensible and buying life insurance (a friend of ours died recently leaving a wife and 3 young children). When it came to the question ‘have you had a cigarette in the last 12 months’ he answered ‘yes’. He was quite ashamed and had to admit to me that he has a crafty cig when he went on his work Xmas do. Now he’s never smoked, only the odd drunken cig in a pub, but his honesty has costs us £10 per month on the insurance. I can’t believe he ticked a box and cost us £120 per year. What washe thinking? They’ll never find out. I’d never have found out if he hadn’t filled in the form. I called him an idiot. He thought I meant he was an idiot for smoking (which he is) but I told him he’d cost us money we can ill afford. So was he right to be honest?

Why?

Why leave it til now to say you don’t want to either get married or leave it for a long time (I don’t want to be a 40 year old bride) ?

Why now? Why leave it til we’ve had a child? Why leave it til we’ve set up home together? Why leave it til now? Why couldn’t you of said this sooner. Since day 1 I’ve talked non-stop about weddings & marriage. I even started up a wedding savings account but did you say anything then? No!

Why now? Why wait til we’re in bed to say that you don’t want to get married. Because I slept well knowing that.. I didn’t.. I sobbed my little heart out in the bathroom whilst you snored away knowing that you’ve caused this upset & hurt.

I don’t want another child out of wedlock. We planned on having the next one in 5 years or so , I thought we would have been a proper married family by then. I hate not having the same surname as my son.

Why have I spent all this time making you happy? I’ve tried so hard to make this work. I’ve moved away from my family & friends. I feel like I’ve given up everything to be with you.. What have you given up for me? What have you sacrificed for the one you say you Love?

Why should I put any more effort into this? Yes I love You, I think your a amazing man and a fantastic father. But why should I spent my life with someone who doesn’t want to make that one commitment that I have been looking forward to since I was a little girl?

It makes me question your love.. It’s easier running away from a relationship then a marriage.

You just told me you loved me? Do you? You never show it and rarely say it. I feel the emotional bond has gone. I don’t get kisses , hugs , dates or even ‘ I Love You’ anymore.

Why am I feeling alone? I told you when I moved away from my family & friends I’ll feel lonely. You promised me I’d never feel lonely.

Do you know why I wanted to look for a job? Because I wanted to spoil you, I know how you wanted a new iphone and a new car. I thought if I was to get a job I could get you these things? Why am I putting you before me? Before our son? I’m giving up spending time with him so I could get you things.

When was the last time you put yourself before me? This week your going to a football match and your work do. Great.. On my own , not like I can even have a friend around. I’m isolated in the middle of nowhere.

You say we cant afford dates? Since when has a romantic stroll in the park cost anything?

You don’t even watch romantic films.. anything with love in?! Your heart made of stone is it? You know they’re my favorite type of films.. but would you sit and watch one with me? No.

Why are we arguing about this? Why am I wasting tears? I love You.. Why cant you see this? Why are you not trying.. I hacked into your account this morning so I could get a train ticket for Me & your son. So that I could go & stay at my mothers.(Who you know I don’t get on with) I’m sat twiddling my thumbs.. Do I leave my own house, my own bed , where my son is comfortable – where all his toys & stuff are. Do I really want to see your face when you get in from work? Are we just going to have a row?

Do I really want to be a single mum? Could I let my son grow up without living with his Dad? Just thinking about these two things is causing rivers to run from my eyes.

It’s the wedding thing that’s making me run? I know we could work on the romance and love thing but the fact that your so against marriage?

I don’t know if I could stay in a relationship where I don’t get the one thing I’m working so hard for, the one thing I want more then anything. I thought relationships were meant to be easy.

Why is this so hard? Why? Why?

What Have You Been Doing All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?’
‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ‘Well, today, I didn’t do it.’

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