Archive for the 'Me' Category

Do You Ever…?

do you ever have one of those days?

one of those days when you just feel like giving up?

I do.

almost every day.

I sit and think about my life. how fucked up it is and wonder. wonder what it would be life if i wasn’t here anymore.

would my kids be better off without me?

life would be better off without me, as all i seem to do is suck it dry.

i want to die. i want someone to tell me its ok to die. but is not.

the stupid person in the back of my mind, my conscience. its always giving me good reason to be around. I know its right, but i don’t agree with it all the time.

it wins… as I’m still here.

for about 10 years, I haven’t actually tried to do anything to end my life, but it hasn’t stopped me thinking about it.

tonight, as i write this, my bedroom window is open. i can easily jump out of it. i want to jump, i think about jumping… but i wont.

there’s no one about to look after the kids.

This post was submitted as part of Blognonymous.

Links:

The Samaritans

This is my story

Where do I start? I could talk about the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my own family or the sexual abuse I suffered as a teenage girl by someone I trusted. Reading back on my life it sounds like something you would find in those woman real story magazines. This isn’t just any women’s story, this is my story.

 I often got smacked about by my own Father who most the time was drunk , the tiniest thing would set him off. If I said I was going to phone the police he would hit me again. The flashbacks are hard to deal with , the thought of me cowering in the corner of my room whilst my Father raised his hand I just cant get out of my head. My brother got in on this abuse as both me & him got older. It’s true what they say like father like son. So when my Father wasn’t around I had my own brother to fear. He had different issues to my Father , he liked to threaten me with knifes and scissors. I was in the back room trying to escape from his violence, he stabbed at the door but that wasn’t anything new. All the doors in the house had holes in from where he had stabbed it or punched it. Oh how I wish I was stronger back then to speak up and tell somebody, but how would anyone believe such a loving and caring family would be capable of this? That is what people saw from the outside in. No one ever believed anything I said.

The sexual abuse happened at a youth club (I wont reveal its real name) I used to attend , I was 13 at the time so having a older man interested in me was flattering at the time. He bought me credit for my phone , paid for me to go on the various trips that my parents wouldn’t pay for and gave me lifts to and from the club. At the time I didn’t know what he was trying to do , how was I to know what he was doing was grooming me?

The first time something happened was on a camping trip , I left my tent to go to the toilets and he was there. That’s when it first happened and of course at the age of 13 I was not aware of what actually happened, back then I was innocent until of course he stole my innocence off me. Of course it was to be my little secret , that’s what he told me. I wont beat myself up thinking about why I didn’t tell somebody/run away.

Of course I carried on going , it was 2 nights a week I didn’t have to be at home.

It carried on in secret , he would single me out often to do stuff with him like clean out the stores. He never raped me but I always thought he was going too , and like everything else at the time I would not of known it was rape.

We got caught at another camp , he sent me a text message whilst I was using someone else’s phone it told me the place I was to meet to him. The messages had stored to this someone else’s phone, they saw and confronted us both but she wasn’t confronting us both. She was confronting him , he was meant to be her ‘secret’ boyfriend. She was 15 and later I found out she was having sex with him but she never admitted to it.

All of it finally can out in the open when some girls got suspicious as they saw me meet him around the corner for my lifts home. They hacked into my messenger account where they talked to him and found out what happened , after they told me that they knew I went to someone high up in the club who was also a Mother. I don’t know why I didn’t go to her sooner. I told her everything , she listened and then called the police.

 I will never forget the time the police came around and sat me down and helped to tell my parents what had happened. At the time it was embarrassing, I cried for weeks on end. I had to talk about it and when I say talk about it I had to give the intimate details. It was a truly horrifying experience. I never had to go to court Thank God , By now I was starting to know the ways of the world and I saw/read stories of worse things that have happened to girls my age. The last I heard he was put on the sex offenders list and was not allowed to work with children ever again.

I saw psychologists these came at the same time I hit the depression/suicidal route. This past has been dealt with and I have moved on, I used to think I was damaged goods until I saw sense and realised that the people who committed these horrendous crimes towards me were damaged. I never had any control of my childhood , mentally I have deleted all of my life before the age of 18.

Writing for me has been a therapy outlet , If there’s something I want to get off my chest I just write it down. Even if I don’t hit that publish button I feel like I’ve released a part of me. A bad part of me that just shouldn’t be locked anywhere and not told to anyone. I experienced so much and at such a young age , please don’t feel sorry for me. If anything it has taught me to be the person I am now. I am thankful for what I have now.

My life begins today.

Domestic Violence

I have been wanting to write this post for a very long time but it’s hard to write for many reasons. One reason is that my family read my blog and I know that this would upset some of them so I haven’t put it down in words, but I think it will be good for me to share.

When I was 6 my mum left my dad for another man, we came home from school one day and all our things where packed and we were buddled into a car and taken to a new life. Me and my sister didn’t know what was happening but we pretended it was a great adventure and it would all be OK.

My step-dad was really nice to start with but he wasn’t used to children and had a nasty temper especially when he had a drink in him. He would hit us and our mum, he scared the life out of us but we never told anyone not even our dad.

My mum has two more children with him, I can’t remember him hitting them only when they were ‘naughty’ but he often hit me and my mum, he picked on us the most.

He was worse when he was drunk, I saw him try to strangle my mum on many occasions and we learnt as we got older to hide the knives (he was a butcher) when the arguments started.

He didn’t just abuse us physically he was really good at emotional abuse, he would tell me I was fat and threaten to send us to the ‘naughty girls’ school if we misbehaved, we were terrified. I remember once dropping and breaking a plate and I started sobbing and having hysterics because I thought he would hit me.

My mum stayed with him for 8 years and they were horrendous, I know we should have told someone but we were scared he would kill my mum. There is a part of me that hates my mum for putting us in that situation, on their first date he hit her and yet she still left my Dad for him and put us in the violent home environment.

We don’t talk about it, my younger siblings can’t really remember their dad being like that and my sister only remembers a little bit of it, but I remember it all and find it really hard to be around him.

I find it hard to trust men; actually I find it hard to trust anyone, my childhood went from bad to worse and sometimes I really struggle with it. I have nightmares and often suffer with insomnia, l also have bouts of depression. I don’t talk about it and it eats away inside, I feel bitter and twisted.

The one bright spot in my life is my daughter who makes it all worthwhile and I know I will try my hardest to make sure her life is a happy one.

Where is my head at?

My husband has a lower libido than me which has always been an issue. If I don’t initiate sex we can go a long time without any physical contact. He’s not loving or cuddly either which can be hurtful. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he says he is tired/unwell etc and snaps at me. I know he looks at porn daily but he hides this from me.   
 
After well over a decade together I’d resigned myself to infrequent sex but recently he has been wanting even less to the point we were going months between physical contact and I am feeling more rejected than ever.  On a night away with work I bumped into an ex colleague and after an evening of flirty banter and a lot of wine took him back to my hotel and shagged him senseless.
 
I do not know why I cheated on my husband. The worse thing is I don’t feel guilty, just mad at my husband for not wanting to do what this other man did. I fancy my husband and want him but he doesn’t seem to have those feelings for me. 
 
The other man does come into my work every few months so I will see him on a professional basis occasionally. He knows that I am married, even questioned if I was sure I wanted what we were about to do and I said yes. I cannot blame alcohol as although blootered I definitely wanted this man at that moment in time. I haven’t told anyone else, the other man told my colleagues and his friends he walked me back to the hotel lobby and went to his hotel.
 
I don’t want to separate, I don’t want to be unfaithful again, I just want a decent sex life with my husband.

Perfect, Lonely Life

First off – I dont blog & am not great at writing, so please, excuse any faux pas I make!
 
I live in a lovely little avenue, with lovely people living on it & have really wonderful neighbours.
 
However, I found myself this morning ‘making myself busy’ when I saw my neighbour outside, talking to another neighbour so i wouldn’t have to stand, chat & I suppose, be social.
 
There is no rational reason/explanation for me doing this, but the more I have thought about it during today, I have been doing things like this more & more often – & I dont quite know why.
I love walking into my local village & to the bigger shops & saying hello to people I see regularly – but this is really the only interaction i make with people & I never want it to strike into a deeper conversation.
 
I used to be very social – I lived in a bustling city & loved the life I had – going out all the time, with a great network of friends & I’d always be happy to strike up conversation with anyone I met – I’d never be lonely, not like I feel I am now.
 
I shouldn’t feel lonely at all, I have a wonderful husband, a gorgeous little boy & we live in a lovely place, surrounded by lovely people. I have no close friends near to me though – they all live far away.
 
I don’t go out very often though, and when I do, I take a bit of a back seat because I dont feel I have anything interesting to say & love listening to other peoples stories & hearing about their lives – which is why I love social networking sites, but i’m even quite on there sometimes, for all the same reasons.
I do this even if i go to soft play etc with my little boy – i go on my own most of the time & i really do feel lonely when i see mum’s with other mums all chatting & laughing over their coffee – i’m jealous that i have done that only once or twice. My company most of the time is with a 3yr old.
 
I’m such a different person to how I was – I’d love the old, sociable me back.

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