Archive Page 2

Where is my head at?

My husband has a lower libido than me which has always been an issue. If I don’t initiate sex we can go a long time without any physical contact. He’s not loving or cuddly either which can be hurtful. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he says he is tired/unwell etc and snaps at me. I know he looks at porn daily but he hides this from me.   
 
After well over a decade together I’d resigned myself to infrequent sex but recently he has been wanting even less to the point we were going months between physical contact and I am feeling more rejected than ever.  On a night away with work I bumped into an ex colleague and after an evening of flirty banter and a lot of wine took him back to my hotel and shagged him senseless.
 
I do not know why I cheated on my husband. The worse thing is I don’t feel guilty, just mad at my husband for not wanting to do what this other man did. I fancy my husband and want him but he doesn’t seem to have those feelings for me. 
 
The other man does come into my work every few months so I will see him on a professional basis occasionally. He knows that I am married, even questioned if I was sure I wanted what we were about to do and I said yes. I cannot blame alcohol as although blootered I definitely wanted this man at that moment in time. I haven’t told anyone else, the other man told my colleagues and his friends he walked me back to the hotel lobby and went to his hotel.
 
I don’t want to separate, I don’t want to be unfaithful again, I just want a decent sex life with my husband.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad

I’ve always loved you.

You’ve always been my hero. I never thought I could be disappointed in you. Did we really all mean so little to you?

Thirty one years. My whole life. Could you really have branded it all a mistake? Do you really think it’s all been hell? I get that you’re angry, though I can’t figure out why. You are the one who has been unfaithful. How can you be angry at mom for being angry at you. I know she wouldn’t let it go, your loving someone else, but perhaps its because you kept lying to her and telling us she was going crazy. I know the other woman. She is nothing on your wife, my mother. Could you really give us all up, for her?

How could you say you’d never taken her to those restaurants, yet not contact the bank about the charges on your card?

How can you say you never went on that weekend with her, yet the booking confirmation is in your inbox?

How must I believe there was no relationship, when I know about the naked picture of you on her phone?

If mom was a mistake, then I was a mistake. My sister and my brother. A mistake.

Is this what thirty-one years of struggle and hardship amount to. Living out your years on your own anyway. Did mom live frugally, budget, not expect the things other women had, just so you could build up to this great place, and give the best years, the best of yourself, to someone else?

I must admit I’m floundering here, Dad. I’m at a loss. I can’t help but wonder if it’s worth it at all. Why work at my own marriage? Why build for a future there’s every likelihood I’ll never have? Why quit my career to raise our children, just so I can end up with no pension, no savings, nothing. Like my mother. The woman you promised to love and to cherish.

Till a two-bit floozy came along.

I have no words Dad. I dont know what to say.

Help! What Can I Do About My Mum?

I love my Mum very much, I really, really do but since becoming a mother myself I’ve found her attitude towards parenting to be very annoying. I feel that she has brought me up very well but for some reason has “changed the rules” since I was little.

She always said that when she brought me up she wouldn’t take any crap from anyone and that her word was final when it came to the way that I was raised and she think this is how it should be with me, UNLESS it is her that is saying something?

DD is of the impressionable age where every word she hears, she repeats so imagine my “joy” when after spending some time with Grandma that she turned around and said “SHIT” to me!! I mentioned this to my Mum as I know this is one of her favourite words and she said that yes she had said it a couple of times with her too. I have asked my Mum to mind her language around DD as I really don’t want her coming out with bad language and many of the other words which Mum uses are worse. She agreed with me but then continues to call her a “little bugger” to her face when she is being naughty or talking quite loudly about work in front of DD where she uses words such as f***ing!

I find it really hard to talk to my Mum about this as I don’t want to fall out with her and she HATES people telling her how to behave but I don’t want my daugther to use bad language if I can help it. Also, if i tell DD off for being naughty in front of my Mum and she gets upset, my Mum will pick her up and cuddle her! What sort of message does that give to DD? Oh Mummy shouldn’t have told you off? Though in the next breath she will go over the top about something as little as dropping a toy on the floor and will shout at her.

Please advise, how do you cope with unhelpful people around your children? I have another baby due any day and I really don’t want this problem to get worse when there are two to deal with???

The Outlaws

I made a terrible mistake a couple of weeks ago, not one that will be forgiven easily, but one that is so easy to do.  I forgot that although I do not use our names my blog is not anonymous.  They is always a way so someone to find out and also I post pictures of us on the blog, so really should have known better.

I blogged about an incident with my mother in law and it has come back to bite me and mine on the backside.  So let this be a lesson to you all.

The hardest thing about all of this is it is not me that has or is suffering, but my husband.  Yes he is angry at me for “washing our dirty laundry in public”, but more than that he is angry, upset and in fact devastated by the betrayal of his brother.

You see his brother told his parents about the post and didn’t even have the courtesy to warn him.  Oh yes we got a phone call about 3 minutes before the one from his mother, but that was telling him to rein in his wife!

I feel terrible, I have never had the best of relationship with his mother or brother, but I have always put up and shut up, so as not to cause any discomfort or disquiet.  My husband knows this and in some ways I think is thankful for it, but this is something else.

We were threatened with libel, sue their own son, what does that say to the wider world?

I understand the pain I have caused, if I knew that MIL was reading I would never have written, well I would, but I never would have published.  Writing is my way of processing things, of event and emotions of getting it all out of my system.

So let this be a word of warning to you all, unless you are very, very careful, you are not just words on a laptop or PC screen, these words have power, more power than you could imagine.  So harness them, use them for all the right reasons and I hope with all my heart that you do not get caught out like I did.

Dear Dad

This is the letter that I often contemplating writing to my father. The words that I want to say but know will only add fire to an already turbulent family. See how I call him my father, to me a dad is someone much more caring, considerate, dependable and reliable. A father is just that, the man who fathered you and brought you into the world.

Dad,

You have now been out of my life longer than you were part of it. It has been 17 years and yet I still recall going to sleep in my bedroom yet waking up in bed with mum while you slept in mine. One rare morning I woke up in my own bed, you returned later that day to explain that you and mum were separating, you promised you would be there for me but you haven’t been. Weekends were supposed to be our time together, you were supposed to come and collect me. Occasionally you were late, more often you called to say something had some up but more often than not you simply did not turn up. Each week, without fail I waited and waited, sat on the living room window ledge waiting to see your car pull around the corner to collect me. Week after week, no matter how often you let me down, there I sat.

You were against me having a job and against me dating. You felt they would both disrupt my college studies, I tried to show you they would not. My tutor could not fault my work, efforts or grades yet still this was not enough for you.

We drifted apart, meeting became fewer and fewer, when we did meet it was more a meeting of necessity than desire.

Predictably you made new promises after the birth of your first grandchild. It seems that yet again your promises will be broken. Each time you visit neither of us can remember when we last saw each other. You regret that we do not see enough of each other, you assure me that things will change. But then the days and weeks and months pass by and your promises are forgotten.

You dream of a day when you can take my son out to the park, I doubt this day will ever come. Each visit is like starting from scratch, my son trying to work out who you are and how you fit into his life. You do not know his likes and dislikes, his little ways, what he is asking for, I doubt he would go with you let alone me be happy to send him with you.

Despite all of this I still seem to crave something from you, acceptance? Love? Pride? I do not know. What annoys me even more is that you can still make me feel like this, I still look for you for approval, I know that it will never come and I know that if it ever does it will not change how we are.

I often wonder if parting would be better than the polite exchange of hurried visits which we currently make.

He has a name, you know.

My mother in law refuses to call my son by his name. It’s Sonny.  

I don’t mind if you work out who this is, I name him on my blog (but in case you’re wondering it’s not Mummytips who has a son of the same name). But I couldn’t have this post on my blog in case you know…it backfires.  

When he was born and we told her what we’d decided to call him, she point blank refused to acknowledge it was a real name. Never mind that we chose it from a name book, there are people like Sonny Liston and Sonny Rollins and of course good old Sonny and Cher. When we had a girl, I’d have loved to have called her Cher just to spite her.

 Where I live, the name is positively normal. There are far weirder things.

 Instead she calls him Little’Un. God, it’s annoying.

 She never signs birthday or Christmas cards with his name.

When we had another, I felt sure she would have to start calling him by his name, to distinguish between the two. But no.

It’s disrespectful. Maybe going behind her back and bitching like I’m doing now is also disrespectful. It probably is. This is actually the tip of the iceberg as to what else she does. I used to play a game where  I’d try and get her to say his name but now I’ve given up. It is not a case of reasoning with her. Or saying that it’s hurtful. That would be like water off the proverbial duck’s back.

And to end on a pun, in her book, Sonny seems to be the hardest word.

Perfect, Lonely Life

First off – I dont blog & am not great at writing, so please, excuse any faux pas I make!
 
I live in a lovely little avenue, with lovely people living on it & have really wonderful neighbours.
 
However, I found myself this morning ‘making myself busy’ when I saw my neighbour outside, talking to another neighbour so i wouldn’t have to stand, chat & I suppose, be social.
 
There is no rational reason/explanation for me doing this, but the more I have thought about it during today, I have been doing things like this more & more often – & I dont quite know why.
I love walking into my local village & to the bigger shops & saying hello to people I see regularly – but this is really the only interaction i make with people & I never want it to strike into a deeper conversation.
 
I used to be very social – I lived in a bustling city & loved the life I had – going out all the time, with a great network of friends & I’d always be happy to strike up conversation with anyone I met – I’d never be lonely, not like I feel I am now.
 
I shouldn’t feel lonely at all, I have a wonderful husband, a gorgeous little boy & we live in a lovely place, surrounded by lovely people. I have no close friends near to me though – they all live far away.
 
I don’t go out very often though, and when I do, I take a bit of a back seat because I dont feel I have anything interesting to say & love listening to other peoples stories & hearing about their lives – which is why I love social networking sites, but i’m even quite on there sometimes, for all the same reasons.
I do this even if i go to soft play etc with my little boy – i go on my own most of the time & i really do feel lonely when i see mum’s with other mums all chatting & laughing over their coffee – i’m jealous that i have done that only once or twice. My company most of the time is with a 3yr old.
 
I’m such a different person to how I was – I’d love the old, sociable me back.

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