Do You Ever…?

do you ever have one of those days?

one of those days when you just feel like giving up?

I do.

almost every day.

I sit and think about my life. how fucked up it is and wonder. wonder what it would be life if i wasn’t here anymore.

would my kids be better off without me?

life would be better off without me, as all i seem to do is suck it dry.

i want to die. i want someone to tell me its ok to die. but is not.

the stupid person in the back of my mind, my conscience. its always giving me good reason to be around. I know its right, but i don’t agree with it all the time.

it wins… as I’m still here.

for about 10 years, I haven’t actually tried to do anything to end my life, but it hasn’t stopped me thinking about it.

tonight, as i write this, my bedroom window is open. i can easily jump out of it. i want to jump, i think about jumping… but i wont.

there’s no one about to look after the kids.

This post was submitted as part of Blognonymous.

Links:

The Samaritans

I don’t understand

 

10 years I’ve been with my OH this year. I’m quite proud of it, we’ve been together since teenagers. We were inseparable and still are to a point but things that he does and the way that he is has driven a wedge between us. I know I’m not perfect but I do believe what he does is far worse than just being a moaner.
 
He has a real issue with me going out, he doesn’t seem to see why he should look after the children whilst ‘I go and enjoy myself’ so he makes any opportunity I get so incredibly hard to arrange I end up not going. It makes me feel like crap. I end up having to make up some crap excuse to why I can’t go somewhere and it upsets me because I hate letting people down.
 
I think my biggest problem with his behaviour is how he can be violent towards me. I find this hard to write to be honest, he doesn’t fit the typical stereotype of a violent OH, He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t go out with his mates all the time, he’s not an aggressive person and he is quite sensitive. He’s not a bully, he doesn’t make me scared 24/7, he doesn’t do it that often but when that part of him comes out, I hate it.
 
The most recent event I had locked out the house because he had been vile to me, calling me fat and lazy because I was tired after work and I wanted him to get out of bed. He took the kids to school and I locked the door after him.
 
He came back and realised the door was locked and started banging on the door and the window. I could tell he was getting angry but I didn’t want to let him in angry, I wanted him to take a minute to think about how he’d treated me. My plan was back firing fast, I could see the rage in his eyes, I warned him that I wouldn’t let him in until he calmed down. He said he had, he looked calm too, I unlocked the door and let him in.
 
He got in quickly locked the door again and turned round and instantly started yelling, he pushed me onto the sofa by my head and then dragged me to the floor. He started screaming in my face asking why I’d done it, I said it was to show him that I didn’t want here anymore. He went to kick me as I lay on the floor but he thought better, I scrambled up and ran for the phone, he caught me and grabbed my arms, I wrestled with him for a bit but he got the phone and took the batteries out of it and threw it. I went for my mobile but he was stronger and faster…I fought with him for a bit…I’ve got the bruises to show with his fingerprints perfectly mirrored in my forearms.
 
He stopped yelling eventually and I was upset by this time….why…why do this? How can you want me to love you when you do this…sorry isn’t enough…you being the father of my children isn’t enough.
 
But I do love him…what do I do? The children love him and he is perfect with them.
 
I’ve gone to my parents for help to ask to move back for a bit with the children..they said no and I should just work it out with him, I’ve not told them about him hurting me but I’ve told them about how sad he can make me feel and still they were uninterested.
 
I am alone. I’m trapped and no one knows how I feel. I feel stupid, I feel like everyone will read this and just say ‘leave him’ it’s NOT that simple.
 
And I know no one would believe me, am I making a big deal out of nothing?
 
He does apologise and says he’ll never do it again perhaps I should just stop moaning and get on with it.

I’m a mess.
 

This post has been published as part of Blognonymous. Blognonymous is a group of blogs allowing anonymous posting in a supportive environment.  We encourage commenting that will help the original poster. Thank you for reading.

Links:

Women’s Aid

 Samaritans

Citizens Advice Bureau

Ashamed, Frightened – No Way Out!

I have been a stepmother now for nearly 7 years and I have to say it has never been an easy path.  First I was accused of being the “other woman” – I wasn’t!  Then I was accused of trying to do “too much” for my stepson because I wanted to attend parents’ evening at school.

I’m the one who has to pick him up from school and care for him when he’s sick, not his mother – she’s “too busy” at work.  I’m the one who has to speak to the teachers when he gets bullied and now that I’m at stay at home mum to my own babies I have to look after him during the school holidays because Mum is too busy with work/going away etc etc.  Notice a pattern yet?

Unfortunately, as my stepson has grown up (nearly 10 now) our relationship has become more and more strained as he seems to turn into his mother more and more each day.  He is the laziest peson I know and always has been, the only person he ever thinks about is himself.  He gives me the dirtiest of looks if I speak to him, he shows no interest in his younger siblings other than to tell them what they can and can’t do and I have to say that I resent having to spend time with him.  I feel totally ashamed to say it, that’s why I’m placing this post on an anonymous site because I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about it who knows me. 

I have always prided myself on being really good with children and being a good mum.  I consider myself to be a caring person but sometimes there are people that you just don’t gel with and I hate to say it but my stepson is one of those people.  We just seem to clash on just about everything.  Sometimes I think it’s just because of his age and he’s probably being no different with me than he is with his own Mum but then I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do about him.  Would I feel differently about his behaviour if he were my own?  I sometimes find myself telling my daughter off for something really petty just because I’m mad at him but don’t want to be accused of picking on him and I know that’s not fair on her.  When he isn’t with us our house is a very happy place, we all get on well and have lots of fun but the minute he sets foot in the house, arguments break out, the house becomes a mess and the air can be cut with a knife.  I can’t talk to my husband about it because he is his son and I would expect him to back him up even though he has said himself that he finds him hard work, then I take the opposite foot and feel cross with my husband that he isn’t supporting his son more.

I am due to give birth in a couple of months’ time to my first baby boy.  If he is more than a couple of days late he will be the same birth sign as my stepson and I’m scared to death that I will have the same relationship with him.  Of all the star sign, my stepson is the one that I clash with and I’m so frightened that my own little boy will be the same.  What if I can’t get on with my own son, I feel like a complete failure and there is nothing that I can do about it.  I love my husband dearly and our family life, his son isn’t going anywhere so I just have to live with it but its tearing me up inside.

This is my story

Where do I start? I could talk about the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my own family or the sexual abuse I suffered as a teenage girl by someone I trusted. Reading back on my life it sounds like something you would find in those woman real story magazines. This isn’t just any women’s story, this is my story.

 I often got smacked about by my own Father who most the time was drunk , the tiniest thing would set him off. If I said I was going to phone the police he would hit me again. The flashbacks are hard to deal with , the thought of me cowering in the corner of my room whilst my Father raised his hand I just cant get out of my head. My brother got in on this abuse as both me & him got older. It’s true what they say like father like son. So when my Father wasn’t around I had my own brother to fear. He had different issues to my Father , he liked to threaten me with knifes and scissors. I was in the back room trying to escape from his violence, he stabbed at the door but that wasn’t anything new. All the doors in the house had holes in from where he had stabbed it or punched it. Oh how I wish I was stronger back then to speak up and tell somebody, but how would anyone believe such a loving and caring family would be capable of this? That is what people saw from the outside in. No one ever believed anything I said.

The sexual abuse happened at a youth club (I wont reveal its real name) I used to attend , I was 13 at the time so having a older man interested in me was flattering at the time. He bought me credit for my phone , paid for me to go on the various trips that my parents wouldn’t pay for and gave me lifts to and from the club. At the time I didn’t know what he was trying to do , how was I to know what he was doing was grooming me?

The first time something happened was on a camping trip , I left my tent to go to the toilets and he was there. That’s when it first happened and of course at the age of 13 I was not aware of what actually happened, back then I was innocent until of course he stole my innocence off me. Of course it was to be my little secret , that’s what he told me. I wont beat myself up thinking about why I didn’t tell somebody/run away.

Of course I carried on going , it was 2 nights a week I didn’t have to be at home.

It carried on in secret , he would single me out often to do stuff with him like clean out the stores. He never raped me but I always thought he was going too , and like everything else at the time I would not of known it was rape.

We got caught at another camp , he sent me a text message whilst I was using someone else’s phone it told me the place I was to meet to him. The messages had stored to this someone else’s phone, they saw and confronted us both but she wasn’t confronting us both. She was confronting him , he was meant to be her ‘secret’ boyfriend. She was 15 and later I found out she was having sex with him but she never admitted to it.

All of it finally can out in the open when some girls got suspicious as they saw me meet him around the corner for my lifts home. They hacked into my messenger account where they talked to him and found out what happened , after they told me that they knew I went to someone high up in the club who was also a Mother. I don’t know why I didn’t go to her sooner. I told her everything , she listened and then called the police.

 I will never forget the time the police came around and sat me down and helped to tell my parents what had happened. At the time it was embarrassing, I cried for weeks on end. I had to talk about it and when I say talk about it I had to give the intimate details. It was a truly horrifying experience. I never had to go to court Thank God , By now I was starting to know the ways of the world and I saw/read stories of worse things that have happened to girls my age. The last I heard he was put on the sex offenders list and was not allowed to work with children ever again.

I saw psychologists these came at the same time I hit the depression/suicidal route. This past has been dealt with and I have moved on, I used to think I was damaged goods until I saw sense and realised that the people who committed these horrendous crimes towards me were damaged. I never had any control of my childhood , mentally I have deleted all of my life before the age of 18.

Writing for me has been a therapy outlet , If there’s something I want to get off my chest I just write it down. Even if I don’t hit that publish button I feel like I’ve released a part of me. A bad part of me that just shouldn’t be locked anywhere and not told to anyone. I experienced so much and at such a young age , please don’t feel sorry for me. If anything it has taught me to be the person I am now. I am thankful for what I have now.

My life begins today.

Domestic Violence

I have been wanting to write this post for a very long time but it’s hard to write for many reasons. One reason is that my family read my blog and I know that this would upset some of them so I haven’t put it down in words, but I think it will be good for me to share.

When I was 6 my mum left my dad for another man, we came home from school one day and all our things where packed and we were buddled into a car and taken to a new life. Me and my sister didn’t know what was happening but we pretended it was a great adventure and it would all be OK.

My step-dad was really nice to start with but he wasn’t used to children and had a nasty temper especially when he had a drink in him. He would hit us and our mum, he scared the life out of us but we never told anyone not even our dad.

My mum has two more children with him, I can’t remember him hitting them only when they were ‘naughty’ but he often hit me and my mum, he picked on us the most.

He was worse when he was drunk, I saw him try to strangle my mum on many occasions and we learnt as we got older to hide the knives (he was a butcher) when the arguments started.

He didn’t just abuse us physically he was really good at emotional abuse, he would tell me I was fat and threaten to send us to the ‘naughty girls’ school if we misbehaved, we were terrified. I remember once dropping and breaking a plate and I started sobbing and having hysterics because I thought he would hit me.

My mum stayed with him for 8 years and they were horrendous, I know we should have told someone but we were scared he would kill my mum. There is a part of me that hates my mum for putting us in that situation, on their first date he hit her and yet she still left my Dad for him and put us in the violent home environment.

We don’t talk about it, my younger siblings can’t really remember their dad being like that and my sister only remembers a little bit of it, but I remember it all and find it really hard to be around him.

I find it hard to trust men; actually I find it hard to trust anyone, my childhood went from bad to worse and sometimes I really struggle with it. I have nightmares and often suffer with insomnia, l also have bouts of depression. I don’t talk about it and it eats away inside, I feel bitter and twisted.

The one bright spot in my life is my daughter who makes it all worthwhile and I know I will try my hardest to make sure her life is a happy one.

Blognonymous

Parent Confidential is a member of Blognonymous, the anonymous blogging group.

 Blogging can at times feel like a selfish pursuit. We blog because we enjoy the act, take pleasure from expressing ourselves or feel that we have something relevant to say. We don’t necessarily assume that people will read, but if they do we are delighted and we blog more, bolstered with the confidence that comes from having a supportive audience.

There are so many stories out there to be told, and whilst many of us use a blog as an outlet, sometimes those stories are best told elsewhere, where we can’t be recognised, and where we can speak without wondering what people will think of us. 

As a group of like-minded bloggers, we started thinking about how we could support people who wanted advice, support or even just to vent in an anonymous fashion. We’ve learned that there are occasions where people wanted to talk in confidence but felt unable to do so, convinced that others would somehow recognise them. Our research brought us to a collective of blogs, all sharing the same ideology:

We are Blognonymous! We have decided to open our blogs to you, if you need them. 

We have no idea where this may go, there is no strategy, no agenda. All we can guarantee is confidentiality, a sounding board, a blank page for your words and, if necessary an introduction and conclusion with links where others can find further information or support. You can write completely anonymously or semi-anonymously, if you wish. You can have comments on or off, seek assistance or just vent.

We have a range of blogs available, with different readerships and atmospheres. If you’ve got a story to tell and nowhere that you feel able to tell it, feel free to pick one of the following blogs where you feel comfortable and get in touch, or if you are not sure which one you would like to post on, then let us know and we will guide you to the most appropriate.

Paula at Battling On

Jay at Mocha Beanie Mummy

Nickie at Typecast

Emily at Mummy Limited 

Bumbling (see, even some of our bloggers are anonymous) at Bumbling Along

Parent Confidential

If you would like to get in touch about Blognonymous please send an e-mail to: parent at gmx dot co dot uk.

We’re on Twitter too – @parentconf and @blognonymous please follow us and tell your friends – we really appreciate your support.

I Don’t Trust Him

We are staying at the in-laws’ this week, and last night, my husband
and I had to broach an awkward topic. The reason we’re here this week
is because on Saturday we’re going to a wedding, without the babies
(now ten months old). This will be the first time we’ve left them
overnight in the care of someone other than one of us.

I trust my MIL and FIL completely, hence we are happy to hand over
care to them. But my SIL has a new boyfriend, who is coming to meet
the family for the first time on Saturday, and this is the cause of
some misgivings on my part.

None of us have met the boyfriend before, and I have now realised that
I won’t get to meet him before we have to leave the babies to make our
way to the wedding. He will be staying overnight in the house. We felt
the need to ask my husband’s parents to be cautious and not to leave
him alone with the babies. And my distrust of this person has made me
feel uncomfortable about myself.

Am I being too judgemental? Has society made us look at everyone with
suspicion? I have always been a very open person, but my maternal
instincts are strong, and I can feel my fur bristling, ready to defend
my babies.

I’d like to say that I’d feel on my guard about any stranger spending
time with my babies, but there are certain bits of information about
the boyfriend that ring alarm bells. He’s 40, has never been married,
and is, by all accounts, a bit of a loner. He doesn’t have his own
home, and has only been seeing my SIL for a few months. I’m ashamed of
myself to be questioning his motives and to be judging an innocent
person so harshly.

Have I become narrow-minded and paranoid? Or am I right to be wary?
How would you approach the situation without causing offence (or at
least causing the minimum amount of offence possible)? Have you had to
negotiate a similar situation in the past?

All advice would be very welcome.


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 9 other followers

Categories